I have decided to write a blog about my weight loss journey and I hope that it not only inspires you but myself as well. I have started to write a journal on paper about the more personal motivations that caused me to get where I am today. I will start at the beginning and we shall see how it goes. Expect this to be long and ranty...
Today I weigh 322 lbs and in 2004 I weighed 509 lbs. To date I have lost 185 lbs and am still working at it on a daily basis. I have always been over-weight for as long as I can remember, in fact at times the thought of being "skinny" is very daunting for me. Why? It's something I have never been and I have a history of being scared of changes. I shouldn't say never I suppose, I was in fact small up until around age 5 when I started to put on a small amount of weight. I wasn't obese not by today's standards of childhood obesity. However I was larger than I should have been for someone my age. I hid the weight well because I was always way taller than average from a young age. I attribute this weight gain to some very severe things that happened right at that age, some things I can't talk about without destroying the lives of people who have tried to make amends for their actions.
So time goes forward and at age 12 or 13 I really start to put on the weight. I believe that I was in the higher 200's by the end of my 8th grade year. Despite being good in school and actively involved in many groups I wasn't happy. My home life wasn't a happy place and food was my best friend, my solace, my happiness, my escape, my everything. At home my life was in constant turmoil, I never knew when the axe would fall again and that constant state of flux was another reason I turned to food. Things with my friends weren't always the easiest to deal with either and I had two male friends who hurt me very deeply during these years. Again these are things it's better not to talk about to keep from hurting those people that are working on changing themselves and their patterns.
My family moved across the state right before my Freshman year in High School. I was ripped from a school that I had been in since I was in first grade and an area that I had lived in since Kindergarten. I know and agree with my Mom's reasons for doing it but as a teen I wasn't happy at the prospect of making new friends. When you are as obese as I was at that age you are constantly self conscious and unsure of yourself. I didn't want to have to prove myself to a bunch of judgmental teens in a small community where most of them had known each other for as long as I had been at my other school.
Of course as we all knew I was a child and I had no choice but to move and face these obstacles. My weight continued to balloon during these years where I never felt like I fit in. I did my best to blend in, got involved in after school activities, made friends, and put myself out there. However when you are as heavy as I was you have a hard time relating or being involved. You get made fun of a lot and each time that happens it's just another blow and another cookie or soda to comfort you. It's a vicious cycle and one that I didn't have the will or means to stop at that point in my life.
I can vividly remember my Sophomore year of High School I went into the doctor for a check up and the scale said that I weighed 333 lbs. The dread that set forth in me was huge but instead of doing anything about it I turned to food again. How I wish now that I had realized the journey that I would have to go through later but youth as they say is fickle. One good thing if you want to call it came out of that time frame. My Mother was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and our house became much healthier. Out went the cookies, the doughnuts, the candy, and regular soda. For close to a year my Mom was very dedicated to taking care of herself. We walked daily and ate healthy as much as we could. I lost some weight during this time period but as things in my life got out of control I turned to food again. My boyfriend of over 2 years moved across the state and I was forced to examine what I wanted. I threw myself into after school activities and the vending machines at school became my regular hang out. During this time period I was also very physically ill, and a large lump started to develop on the left side of my neck, and that was another reason to go get a cookie. That in my mind was guaranteed to make me feel better. It always had after all.
I graduated High School and moved across the state to be with my boyfriend. I continued to feel sicker and sicker as time went on and because of this I changed rapidly emotionally and had constant mood swings. I frankly wasn't myself and acted totally out of character at times. I know this may have contributed to my ex's actions but it wasn't long before I was back on the other side of the state minus my boyfriend and getting ready to start college at SCC. During this time period what occurred is one of the best events to have happened to me. I met a young man who could make me laugh and didn't care about my weight. I weighed about 340 lbs or so at the time and I didn't see that when I looked in the mirror, I honestly thought I was sexy. I shake my head now and wonder what he saw in me. I was this scared little girl; abused, self conscious, low self esteem, sick, and emotionally a wreck, yet he saw something in me that he could enjoy.
We began to date in October of 1999 and he began to stay with me for days at a time at my house in Spokane. In February we moved in my parents together when I began to get sicker and couldn't seem to handle the smallest tasks. Leading up to that point I passed out inside of a rotisserie that I was cleaning at work, than inside the kitchen while on the phone with him. This causing him to come rushing from his parent's house when he heard me fall and not answer him. The last time I tumbled down the flight of stairs to my bedroom. I had no energy except it seemed to eat and I had already been to four doctors during my senior year who said I just had allergies. The fifth doctor who my Mom sent me to when I got back from my ex's did in fact send me in for testing and that saved my life. In March I went in for surgery on the large lump on my neck and on April 10th, 2000 Jeremy and I got married in CDA, ID. At the end of April I found out that I had cancer and that I would have to undergo treatments for it.
I began treatments in May and they lasted every single day until July. I was declared cancer free and there began the next chapter of my life. Jeremy had stuck with me through all of it, the treatments, the vomiting, the sleeping, the mood swings, and everything that went along with it. I swear at this point that the man must have the patience of a saint to have stayed through all of this stuff. To stay with someone with all the emotional baggage I had and even when they reach 500 lbs; well the fact is that I am more blessed than I realized at the time.
In that year we got our first place together without a roommate and in January I became pregnant with our first child. Something I had been told that I wouldn't be able to do. Big shock for the both of us but we had been trying after all, so I suppose that was the result. *G* I have always defied the odds and this was no exception. During my pregnancy I for sure enjoyed eating whatever I wanted and the 75 lbs I put on reflected that. After I gave birth to her we both learned about parenting and just how hard it was. We moved twice more and settled in Clayton, WA for awhile. During that time period the company I worked for laid our entire staff off and that sent me for another tail spin. Jeremy had been a stay-at-home Dad and now our rolls reversed. I didn't know how to relate to Jacquelyne and wasn't used to taking care of her day in and day out. I learned and adapted but I also turned to food even worse than before. It was nothing for me to make an 8 by 11 cake in the afternoon and have it all eaten by myself the next morning. All evidence hidden from my husband who worked nights at that time. More personal things with my family pushed me to the cakes and cookies. I didn't know any other way to cope with these things and it would take some time before I did.
In 2004 we moved to CDA, ID and had come full circle. We both got a job at the same place and put Jacque in child care at a good center locally. It was a first for her and for us. My Mother in Law did something that changed my life and something for which I will always be thankful. I often tell her that if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have done this but she laughs and tells me I did this on my own she just paid for it. So anyway she came to me and said, "Jenny, if I paid for you to go to Weight Watchers would you go and try it." After getting defensive in my head and thinking how dare she, I finally approached her a couple of weeks later about the offer. So that next week scared out of my mind and sure I was going to be put up on a scale like some sacrificial lamb for everyone to stare at, I went. She met me at the local meeting place and went in with me despite the drive from her own home to our city. I can still remember stepping on that scale for the first time and staring down at it in shock.
I had stopped being able to weigh on scales quite some time before that, I weighed to much and many doctor's scales only go up to 300 or 350. I am not sure what happened at that time but something switched on in my brain. I looked at that number and I swore that I would never again see a 5 in the front. I went to three more meetings with her and than I felt I could do it on my own. From that point on our lives were about weight loss. I cleared everything out of the cupboards, bought a food scale and measuring cups. I got an exercise video and weights and I pushed myself.
I had never dieted if you want to call it that, and it was a learning process for me, armed with a marker I wrote the point values on all the foods in the house, and kept a measuring cup out to drink 8 ounces of water at a time. I took my food measuring scale for point values every where with me and kept healthy snacks in my car and my desk at work. I struggled to walk down the street, I had tried to walk while living in Clayton and stopped because my hips popped out of joint and when I stood up straight the fat roll from my back and the one at the top of my rear rubbed together causing extreme pain. Only now that I was on Weight Watchers I ignored that pain, I walked starting at two blocks, one there and one back. I lost 13 lbs my first week and that pattern continued. I ate nearly the same thing every single day. I was scared of deviating to much and the menu had worked for me. I ate a Nature Valley Bar and yoplait yogurt for breakfast, a lean cuisine for lunch, a banana for a snack, and for dinner I ate two whole grain tortilla's with low fat kraft cheese, fat free refried beans, salsa, lettuce, and tomatoes and sometimes shredded chicken breast and olives. Day in day out for 6 months. Unless we went to someone else's house and than I got scared to death that it would affect my weight loss. I went from consuming massive amounts of calories to a less than 1000 calorie a day diet. At first I thought for sure I was starving and didn't know if I could do it, but eventually my body adjusted and my stomach shrunk.
In 3 months I lost 50 lbs and I pushed myself harder than I ever had, I had a few gains but for the most part I lost and lost a lot. 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 3 lbs a week. It's easy to lose big numbers like that the more you have to lose. On March 3rd, 2005 I hit the 100 lbs lost mark, I know this because I have saved all my weight loss cards and I have an award certificate on my wall in a frame. *G* In 9 months I had lost 100 lbs and was well on my way to being the person I longed to be. I had my ups and downs up to that point and after it, it was very easy to be derailed. Have friends over for dinner gain 5 lbs, go to my In laws for dinner gain 2. I hadn't yet learned how to manage things and to say no. At that time I started to pay for my own weight loss journey and am thankful for everything my inlaws did for me for I never would have done it if they hadn't done that for me. On May 11th, 2006 I hit 150 lbs lost and though it was an exciting day to me I felt a sense of failure. When I started losing I had very high expectations, at the rate I was losing I should have been able to lose all of it by the time I hit 150. Those expectation nearly did me in and made me give up. Yes it had taken me over a year to lose 50 lbs but it was my own self defeatist attitude, my fear of success, and my emotional eating that caused me those problems. Again this was something that only time would grant me the wisdom to see. So I continued on my journey, still going up and down with the weight loss.
On September 20th, 2007 I hit the 200 lbs lost mark. Again I felt like a failure I had lost 200 lbs which was huge but I still had a ton to lose. I felt like I had wasted three years of my life. What I didn't know was that life is a journey and so is weight loss. I wasn't trying to win a race, I was trying to be a healthier woman, and have a happier time. It had taken over a year to lose that 50 lbs but I had learned many things. The week I hit that 200 lbs lost I had just gotten back from my friends wedding in California. I had make excellent choices while at her wedding, traveling, and in Vegas. That was a skill I had learned during that last year but I didn't see it that way. I also hung my head in shame because I was suffering from a eating disorder. Yes it's hard to imagine and this isn't something many know about but I binged and purged for 6 months of that last year. I had become a bulimic at over 300 lbs. I actually tried to make myself puke at my friends wedding with a crowd of people on the other side of the bathroom window. That was the only time on that trip that I did that and would lead to me making the decision to stop. It made me realize how hard I was pushing and that I wasn't getting to the root of the problem. The emotional issues that caused me to eat and to turn to food over and over again.
I had worked out twice a day as hard as I could and puked until my insides hurt but it took me over a year to lose that last 50 to get to 200 lbs lost. The reason it took me that long was because exercise doesn't do anything for you if you aren't eating healthy. Vomiting does absolutely nothing for you in the long run but make you sick. It destroyed my teeth and who knows what else it did to me. With the skills I had picked up that last year I could have lost that weight at a much healthier rate if I had stopped puking, ate better, and exercised once a day or even once every other day. I was pushing my body to limits that weren't even remotely healthy. So there was another reason my life changed after that day. October 18th, 2007 is my last recorded Weight Watchers meeting, that week I found out that I was pregnant again. I wasn't allowed to be on the program while I was pregnant. My status with them was put on hold and I focused on trying to eat healthy and walk. I started having pain when I walked and than the bleeding happened. I went to the doctor and found out I had partial placenta previa and was put on bedrest. I fell very quickly back into old patterns and began to eat from boredom, frustration, anger and guilt. I felt like if I had been this obese than I wouldn't be now endangering my childs life. I started purging again, something I am not proud to admit that lasted about 2 weeks before I realized what the heck I was doing and stopped.
During my pregnancy with Jacub I gained over 100 lbs including the weight of the baby inside of me. I came back to Weight Watchers on August 14th, 2008. I had been away for nearly a year and had finally been released by my doctor to start again after some complications with my c-section recovery. I weighed in 384.2 which was 76 lbs heavier than I had been the year before. I got back into the groove of things and again had my ups and down, mostly because I was back in the self defeatist mind set I had had for so very long. January 20th, 2008 I rehit 150 lost but that of course wasn't good enough for me, again in my eyes I was a failure. My weight continued to fluctuate until on January 5th, 2009 having not lost a single lbs in fact 5 lbs heavier than the year before I left Weight Watchers. I had decided that I could do it on my own and that would be my down fall again. I plummeted into some pretty harsh depression and at times was sure that ending my life was the answer, though I never tried. After all Jeremy and the children would be better off without a fat and unhealthy Mom and Wife who wasn't going to be there to watch them grow or to grow old with.
All of 2009 and 2010 I struggled to lose weight, at one point in 2010 I started P90X and lost all the way down to 325 and than gained it all back and started trying to lose it again. I could no longer weigh on my scale and my biggest clothes were starting to get tighter. I could barely fit into my favorite sweatshirt anymore. About this time my anniversary came around and on my anniversary I sat crying next to my husband as I explained what I was feeling and where I felt I wasn't going. He promised me to be as supportive as he could be, he didn't want another year to pass with me feeling the way I did or as unhappy as I had been since my son's birth. He didn't want me to feel like a failure anymore as a Mom or a wife.
On April 11th, 2001 the day after my anniversary of 11 years I went back to Weight Watchers and I weighed 371.8. Things have changed for me this time, I know now that this is a journey. That I have been blessed to get where I am and to have survived so much in my life. I know that I will do this and that someday I am going to stand in front of a Weight Watchers meeting and tell my story as their leader. I believe that I have a lot to offer this world and that I am going to do it. Yes so far this has been a 7 year journey but I am coming out of the sad side of this story and into the butterfly I am morphing into. In January I became a vegetarian and in July I became a full fledged Vegan. I feel so much better as a person emotionally and have started to put those skills that I have learned to use. Today I weigh 322.6 and I have lost almost 50 lbs in 4 months. I go to parties, I have people over for dinner and drinks, I go to weddings and friends houses and I control myself. I pack my own cooler, take water, and I eat the way I need too. I exercise but I don't just exercise I am active. I take better care of my house and my children. I hike, camp, walk, jog, dance, and just have fun.
We have spent the last three months hiking and camping. I have enjoyed every moment of discovering just how much I love to feel my muscles burn or smell the pine tree filled air. Life is good and I am glad to be here. I haven't binged or purged since I was on Weight Watchers after Jacub was born and if I screw up I get right back on the wagon. This is a life style change for me and one that will sustain me over the years. Jeremy is completely involved in my weight loss in a way that he never has been, he pushes me, he supports me, and he is there for me in every way. I can't begin to say how important it has been for me to have his full support this time around. I am constantly amazed by him and the man he has become since I met him at 19 years old. We are both growing together and I know that I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I welcome you to my butterfly cocoon as I emerge into the sunlight and stretch my wings; I hope you will hang in there with me. More updates to follow.
