Than I walked home with my family and the next week started, last time I hit 200 lbs lost I gained back 3 of it the next week and I was determined for that not to happen. My body had had enough of the starving thing, and it rebelled. I got sick and though I didn't gain that first week, I did the second week. Than family drama as normal cropped up and the little voices were back telling me I hadn't done this right. I pushed myself day after day and I started to binge again, it wasn't a pretty sight and not something I am proud of it. About two weeks ago I had a moment as hung my head over the toilet for the first time in 3 years to purge everything I binged. I thought what in the hell was I doing? I had lost 200 lbs and at this point I have 130 to hit the top end of my Weight Watchers goal. I am way over the hump and here I am making myself sick with worry and frustration.
So I made some changes, I refocused the emotions I was dealing with over family drama into my work outs and tracking. I started tracking sporadically again, and this week have tracked everything. I started working out in the morning instead of at night on four days of the week. I started my journal again, reconnected with my online friends by reading their boards, and did some crafting and major house cleaning. Ohhh and I also started eating carbs and such again. Instead of 5-8 Points Plus a day I am up to 30 or so. I am really proud of myself for realizing that I was being silly and that I need the carbs and other things to keep my body going. Yes I can fill up on fruits and veggies but it just doesn't give me the energy and such that I need. It takes a lot of effort to move a body of this size around and I need all those foods to keep active and involved in everything.
It's been a large change for me and has brought with it some realizations about going forward with this goal and what it means to me. I am tired on missing out on things and not just myself but those I love as well. On Monday night was my daughters Girl Scout skate night and as I sat on the sidelines once again and watched her skate I started thinking about everything I am missing. She had gone to this event for 4 years and every year I have sat on the sidelines, I used to love to skate and I am to heavy right now to do it! I think she knew I was feeling left out and she came over to me and said she wished I could skate with her. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Next year I will skate with you babydoll." She got this big grin on her face and held her pinkie finger out to me, "Pinky swear Mama." I linked my pinkie with hers and she hugged me and than I watched her skate off with tears in my eyes. I have missed far to much of her life especially because I was to fat to get on the ground, or to skate, or to do any of the things with her I wanted too. I am done missing out on special moments that can't be recaptured. She needs me to be all the woman and Mom I can be, and so do Jacub and Jeremy. I am their role model and I need to act like one, and not someone focused on her own selfishness and insecurities. People I love did the same thing to me and it didn't do anything but harm me and carry into my adulthood. So yes I am done with that, 225 lost here I come!