200 lbs lost

I am so shocked that I haven't posted here about my 200 lbs lost accomplishment, it's been about a month since I hit it and it still feels surreal. I have had my ups and downs getting to that point and honestly that's probably part of why I haven't shared this news on here. I had two weeks leading up to the 200 lbs lost where I barely ate, in fact I was consuming almost only fruits and veggies in an attempt to hit that goal. My goal set back in April was to hit 200 lbs lost again before the start of October, I was within 4 lbs of hitting it as we rounded out on September and I refused to not meet the goal. What I did in fact was make myself sick with worry over the whole thing, I did indeed make my goal on October 1st, and sat there crying as I watch my husband and daughter who were at the meeting cry tears of joy. I talked for 15 minutes or so to the group and answered questions like what my breaking point was and such.

Than I walked home with my family and the next week started, last time I hit 200 lbs lost I gained back 3 of it the next week and I was determined for that not to happen. My body had had enough of the starving thing, and it rebelled. I got sick and though I didn't gain that first week, I did the second week. Than family drama as normal cropped up and the little voices were back telling me I hadn't done this right. I pushed myself day after day and I started to binge again, it wasn't a pretty sight and not something I am proud of it. About two weeks ago I had a moment as hung my head over the toilet for the first time in 3 years to purge everything I binged. I thought what in the hell was I doing? I had lost 200 lbs and at this point I have 130 to hit the top end of my Weight Watchers goal. I am way over the hump and here I am making myself sick with worry and frustration.

So I made some changes, I refocused the emotions I was dealing with over family drama into my work outs and tracking. I started tracking sporadically again, and this week have tracked everything. I started working out in the morning instead of at night on four days of the week. I started my journal again, reconnected with my online friends by reading their boards, and did some crafting and major house cleaning. Ohhh and I also started eating carbs and such again. Instead of 5-8 Points Plus a day I am up to 30 or so. I am really proud of myself for realizing that I was being silly and that I need the carbs and other things to keep my body going. Yes I can fill up on fruits and veggies but it just doesn't give me the energy and such that I need. It takes a lot of effort to move a body of this size around and I need all those foods to keep active and involved in everything.

It's been a large change for me and has brought with it some realizations about going forward with this goal and what it means to me. I am tired on missing out on things and not just myself but those I love as well. On Monday night was my daughters Girl Scout skate night and as I sat on the sidelines once again and watched her skate I started thinking about everything I am missing. She had gone to this event for 4 years and every year I have sat on the sidelines, I used to love to skate and I am to heavy right now to do it! I think she knew I was feeling left out and she came over to me and said she wished I could skate with her. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Next year I will skate with you babydoll." She got this big grin on her face and held her pinkie finger out to me, "Pinky swear Mama." I linked my pinkie with hers and she hugged me and than I watched her skate off with tears in my eyes. I have missed far to much of her life especially because I was to fat to get on the ground, or to skate, or to do any of the things with her I wanted too. I am done missing out on special moments that can't be recaptured. She needs me to be all the woman and Mom I can be, and so do Jacub and Jeremy. I am their role model and I need to act like one, and not someone focused on her own selfishness and insecurities. People I love did the same thing to me and it didn't do anything but harm me and carry into my adulthood. So yes I am done with that, 225 lost here I come!