Uncomfortable in my own skin

This past weekend I visited with family and did several things I either hadn't done before or hadn't done in far to long. I boated for the first time and jumped into the water holding my husband's hand, something I haven't done the entire time we have been married. In fact I haven't jumped in the water since I was 16 years old, despite wanting to so badly. The sad fact is that I have always felt like a skinny girl in a fat girls body. I use the word fat because it is a word that no longer scares me or insults me. It doesn't own me, I own it at this moment in time. I am done being that girl and being frightened of everything, including being called fat. I am done being controlled in the things that I want to do. I want to fly without fear of the seatbelt fitting, I want to drive a fast car and not worry about if I can shift the gears with my big legs in the way, I want to run as fast as I can for as long as I can and not worry about dying, I want to wear a little black dress and know that I look sexy in it, I want to wear high heels for the first time in my life. The list goes on and on and on. Things I have never done because I have been obese since childhood and couldn't physically manage to do the things I desired.

Most of all I want to feel like I belong in my own skin. For the first time in my life I am starting to feel that way. This weekend I had someone tell me that I am peaceful to be around and that I radiate contentedness and that my aura glowed. This shocked me beyond belief, for I have never had anyone tell me anything like that. I have always felt like I tried too hard to be me, that I tried too hard to fit into with the people around me. I guess it shouldn't shock me totally because for the first time I do feel happy; I mean truly happy and content with my lot in life. I can't change my past but I can own it and own my part in it. I didn't get to this spot totally on my own but I have been an adult for many years now and I have continued the self destructive habits of my past. So I own those and I own being fat and I say no more. I will continue to be more at ease with the myself and the journey I am on at this moment in time. This is all part of who I am and finally being comfortable in my skin, in a much smaller skin to be sure...